When the Best Protection Is Connection

This article first appeared in Psychology Today and was written by our amazing Director of Mental Health, Christine Triano. Christine is a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) and psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of adolescents, adults, families, and creative professionals.

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KEY POINTS

• As children grow older, the parent-child relationship naturally changes to meet the young person's need for autonomy.

• It's important to let go of the need to hold your child back and allow them to make mistakes and learn from them.

• Focus on connecting with your child, being a supportive presence, and listening more and talking less.

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A longtime client got on our video call this evening and let out a long exhale. Talking about the week’s events with her two teenagers, she summed things up like this, “I’m learning how to parent in a whole new way, and it’s really hard.”

What I sought to name in return is that “hard” doesn’t even begin to describe the job of parenting teens. I would add exhausting, challenging, disconcerting, and dysregulating to throw just a few more adjectives on the fire. But what I hope comes through when the smoke clears is so much more. I’m looking for words that reach deep inside the hearts and souls of tired, worried, uncertain parents. Words that express what a real human-to-human, parent-to-teen connection can be. Humbling. Inspiring. Rewarding. Worthwhile.

Here are a few guidelines I’ve learned not only from working with parents of teens but from road testing them with my own two kids, now 18 and 20:

The best tool you have to protect them is the strength of your connection.

You want to keep them from harm, shield them from mistakes, and generally reduce their pain and suffering. When they were little, that meant bumpers on the corners of the coffee table and keeping those tiny Legos out of their mouths. But now, guess what? Those ways no longer work. And the more you try to protect them by restricting what they do and where they go, the more creative they will become at finding a way to get their needs for novelty, exploration, and independence met.

Now, of course, I’m not talking about extremes, and in no way am I suggesting you can’t have rules and expectations. What I am saying is that as they seek greater autonomy, you may think you should hold them back. You might insist you drop them off instead of letting them ride a bike or take a train, or you might reflexively veto spontaneous plans because they didn’t let you know in advance.

These impulses are wired up from all of the parenting you’ve done to date, and with the onset of adolescence, it’s like your old parenting rulebook suddenly became outdated overnight. What’s so stress-inducing is that there is no Amazon delivery with an updated version. This is very much a DIY project about knowing who your child is and tailoring your plan to meet their evolving needs. Connection fosters communication—and communication keeps you informed and in the loop when your influence matters most.

Pay attention and give them some space, and you might be pleasantly surprised.

There’s a decent chance they can manage their schoolwork and schedule, anticipate and verbalize their needs, and plan and manage their social relationships. This is a good thing, parents—you actually get to give your prefrontal cortex a break, as most teens can pick up the bulk of the work of organizing and planning their own lives. Let them take the lead while you get another cup of coffee. They may not do everything the way you would or in a way that’s comfortable for you, but that’s on you.

It’s time to downshift from accomplishing tasks to offering presence. Your teenager very much wants and needs your attention. Being curious, open, and non-judgmental all help strengthen the infrastructure of your relationship. That’s the gold ring.

Focus on what you want, not what you don’t.

Ever notice how you get your kid in the car or have their attention over dinner, and a laundry list of all the things they are not doing right or could be doing better comes tripping off your tongue? It’s as if someone pressed play, and out it comes. Don’t stay up too late. Don’t forget to turn in your work. Don’t talk to your brother like that. Don’t stare at your phone. Don’t drink. Don’t smoke. Don’t forget to take out the trash. Don’t do any of the dumb things I did as a teenager. (Only this last one is usually more of a thought bubble than an actual statement.)

I’ve worked with many parents who come to me in distress, worried about the risks their teen might be taking or be tempted to take, or about the chance their teen might repeat mistakes that they’ve already made. I get this worry, but I can’t assure anyone their kid is not going to stumble or fall. What I can do is turn the conversation to what their child is doing well and what they’d like to see happen, as opposed to all the things they’d like to prevent or stop. Give your attention and support to where you want them to grow, and watch what happens. When all else fails, simply try saying less and listening more.

You are in new territory, but you’re not without tools. Your child’s brain is going through a period of spectacular development rivaled only by their toddler years. As they grow toward the young adults they will be in just a few years, you have an opportunity to let your relationship grow along with them. Build up your support network, and give yourself some credit. As my client said so well, learning new ways of parenting is hard—and also totally worth it.

Ready, Sense, Go!

Our two amazing clinicians, Olivia Martinez-Hauge, MA, OTR/L, and Christine Triano, LCSW, just published an article in Psychology Today called “Ready, Sense, Go! 12 sensory strategies to support your teen's distance learning.” Scroll down to view all 12 strategies and read the full article:

Many students are well into their fall semester online at this point, and what I hear from the teens I see regularly (also online!), is that they are tired. This is a different kind of tired than the usual adolescent exhaustion. It’s their nervous systems experiencing the toll of being immersed in an online environment up to six hours per day (or more) for classes and extracurricular meetings, followed by hours of homework… on their computers.

To find some ideas to help my clients alleviate this stress and better care for their minds and bodies, I turned to my colleague Olivia Martinez-Hauge, MA, OTR/L, a marriage and family therapist associate who, for the past 18 years, has worked within the private sector and public school systems as a pediatric occupational therapist.

“I think addressing a teen’s sensory health is so important and often overlooked because of their age and increasing independence,” shared Martinez-Hauge. “While your teen might be waving you out of their room and locking the door behind you, I think it is still important to set your teen up for success with easy tips and strategies to care for their sensory system.”

1. Play with the lighting. Sometimes an overhead light is too bright. Try a muted desk lamp, or move their work station closer to a window for some natural light.

2. Tired eyes. Try having your teen toggle with the accessibility features on their computer. Some computers dim to a blue light filter and most have a “high contrast” feature. Adjusting computer lighting and/or contrast can give the eyes a break.

3. Visual breaks. Encourage your teen to take frequent visual breaks. Have them relax their eyes into a “panoramic” view of their surroundings. By taking a break from using their focused vision, they can calm and downshift their brain.

4. Sound. Make sure your teen is not fighting to hear over external noise; headphones or earbuds are good ways to limit distracting noises (just monitor the volume). It can add an extra layer of exhaustion to continuously try to filter out unnecessary stimuli in order to attend to the important stuff.

5. Seating. Good seating is not only important for the body, but for keeping focused too. Different seating can give your student enough of a boost to stay engaged just a bit longer. Seating ideas include: swivel chair, ball chair, standing instead of sitting, stool, or a combination of all of these.

6. Laptop position. Invest in a computer stand or place the computer on top of a large ringed binder; this raises the screen closer to eye level and positions the keyboard in a better position for typing.

7. Movement. Regular movement helps prime the brain for learning. Encourage your teen to take regular movement breaks and, most importantly, to listen to their body and move when they need to move.

8. Snacks. Help your teen put together a snack basket to keep close by. Try packing it full of items that are chewy to give a lot of feedback that will wake up the nervous system. Some examples: jerky, granola bars, crackers, carrot sticks, gum, sour candies, nuts.

9. Fidgets. There are so many fidgets out there for the hands, but a small piece of putty and/or clay can work wonders for regulation. Also, fidgets are not just for the hands! Try putting a tennis ball, textured mat, or foam roller at your student’s feet to keep their bodies busy while keeping their hands free.

10. Furry friends. Consider letting your teen have the family pet nearby during distance learning. This can provide emotional support and a sensory break when brushing, holding, or attending to the pet.

11. Calm apps/websites. Encourage your teen to pick one or two favorite apps for breathing, moving their body, or calming their nervous system. Have your teen share the app with you and maybe both of you can start off your day with a guided meditation or some deep breathing.

12. Check-ins. Just because they roll their eyes and can do things on their own doesn’t mean they don’t need you. Check in with your teens from time to time to offer some co-regulation and remind them they are not alone. A tall glass of lemonade and a cookie can't hurt either.

I know I will be sharing these ideas with teens and parents in the coming weeks. One more thing to consider with teens is that they are so socially attuned at this age and stage that looking at the faces of all of their classmates at once can be quite intense. Knowing this, I encourage them to regularly take a moment to look away, to gaze out the window, and to surround their workspace with items like photos, drawings, or mementos that soothe and comfort them.

Lastly, I so appreciate Hauge-Martinez’s final point, as relationship and connection are the name of the game. Being there for your teen is always a great strategy to set them up for success.

Back to School, Back to Stress

Checking in at the end of the pandemic summer.

This article originally appeared in Psychology Today.

After the initial flurry of worries this past spring about the aimless summer our teens were facing, things seemed to largely settle down. It turned out that a healthy dose of unstructured time, more sleep, and even some boredom, was not so bad. Yes, a lot of carefully considered plans disappeared almost overnight, but as parents we shifted gears and found a way to soothe our anxious souls about the disappearance of the idea of what summer should be.

As for our teens, they too had to sit with disappointment. But then, they were largely fine. And by that I mean, they really were OK. Yes, they missed seeing friends in person as much as they would like. They may have even pushed to get out more than felt safe or possible. But the teen brain is nothing if not wired to seek connection with peers, and thanks to the range of virtual options available, for the most part they kept the channels open.

Now, in the seeming blink of an eye, here we are at back-to-school time. Just like those graphs charting COVID rates, I can’t help but notice the uptick in parental anxiety, no doubt fueled by the ongoing discussion of the limits and drawbacks of online learning and the chaotic experience many had at the end of the last school year. For those parents whose kids are back in person, there are other worries, but for the large part of the country sending their teens back to school online, it’s been a time for lots of deferred worries to come rolling back in. Here are a few I’ve been hearing:

I’m worried they’re going to fall behind. This one is persistent. My own son is entering his senior year and working on college applications. Grades matter right down to the moment he presses “submit.” To this refrain, I talk with parents about hitting pause and taking a overhead view for a moment. Our kids may in fact fall behind on the schedule of traditional academic benchmarks. But consider this: When all kids are “behind,” what does that even mean anymore?

Ask any teacher, and they will tell you kids fall behind all the time. After each summer break or winter vacation, there is always learning to recover. Our kids will eventually catch up on their academics. What I’m curious about is what are the opportunities to help them actually build skills and get ahead during this time?

Adolescence is such an important time in the growth and sculpting of our teen’s brains—and the experiences needed to set them up to successfully launch into young adulthood go way beyond school. A few ideas to practice include:

• Have your teen schedule their own doctor, dental, haircut, therapy or other appointments.

• Collaborate on making dinner one night a week with the goal of handing it over completely.

• Learning to drive and the basics of car maintenance.

• Build financial and budgeting basics. (My 19-year-old is looking to buy a car, which has opened the door to learning about loans, interest rates, credit scores and more.)

• Talk about how to shift more responsibility for their “stuff” to them. This means things like doing their own laundry, changing their linens and towels, cleaning their room, getting their own toiletries—basically anything related to their room and their self-care.

How do I know they are actually doing their work? Yes, sitting in front of a screen offers a chance to look at more screens. A motivated adolescent will figure out how to play Fornite during Algebra or chat with friends during French. To this, ask yourself, how would I feel if they were actually in school? Would you be worried about what they were doing in class? Would you be calling or texting them to see if they were following to the Powerpoint on factors? Most likely, not. Then do the same. They are in school, it’s just that you can see them now and that tends to push our parental worry buttons.

We can help them prepare to maximize their learning by talking about their set-up, their schedule, and by making sure they have what they need in their environment to help them stay focused and comfortable. But then, just like dropping them off at the curb, take a deep breath and walk away. We all know that teenagers pretty much never find motivation from our hovering or nagging.

I can’t get them interested in doing anything. It may be even harder to get your teen out of their room or away from their screens now that school has started. Again, think about what the first month or so of going back to school is usually like. It’s probably not unusual for your teen to be tired after school, or even need a nap, as they adjust to an earlier and more structured schedule. My high school student has shared how he misses coming home to an empty house, where he really enjoyed a couple of hours of downtime to himself before everyone else got home.

Give it a little time and try to engage where you can. Don’t suddenly make all conversations about school or homework or the need to do productive things. Instead, try exploring what it’s like for them to be going through this strange, new experience of the way school is happening. As always, you can't lose by keeping the focus on connection.

Your relationship with your teen is still one of the best predictors of their emotional well-being. They may appear to be pulling away, but they need your support as much as ever. By staying curious and open, by saying less and listening more, you have the tools to continue to invest in your evolving relationship with your teen, pandemic or not.

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About the Author

Christine Triano, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of adolescents, adults, families, and creative professionals. You can find her on Facebook and LinkedIn.

Back-to-School Support

Support for Parents & Educators

In this living blog, we will offer resources and tips to support parents and educators as they prepare for this unique and challenging school year. Updates will be posted to our Facebook and Instagram pages, as well as archived here for your ease of reference. Our hope is that together we can support the children we care about and support the health, safety, and well-being of our communities.

Helping Kids with Anxiety About Returning to School

In this video, Center for Connection Founder and Executive Director, Dr. Tina Payne Bryson (co-author of NY Times bestselling books, The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline) talks about how parents can help kids experiencing anxiety about school. Also, parents might enjoy this read from the NY Times article on how to manage anxiety over back-to-school decisions.

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Child & Masks: Tips for Helping Kids Who Struggle with Wearing a Mask

In this video, you'll hear from our amazing pediatric occupational therapist, Dr. Jamie Chaves, as she talks about supporting kids in wearing masks. She'll talk about some of the key factors to consider when a child is having difficulty with wearing a mask, and how to approach it from an understanding of a child's state of regulation and their relationship with you, as well as from a sensory perception perspective. It's part of a two-part discussion and we hope it helps. We'll post more videos to support parents and educators during this unique back-to-school season.

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Child & Masks: Tips for Helping Kids Who Struggle with Wearing a Mask (continued)

In this video, pediatric occupational therapist, Dr. Jamie Chaves, will continue her discussion on supporting kids in wearing masks.

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Seven Ways to Cope with Uncertainty

Here is a wonderful article from Greater Good Magazine: Science-Based Insights for a Meaningful Life. In it, Christine Carter (author of The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction and The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less ) shares that uncertainty is hard. She writes that “…human beings crave information about the future in the same way we crave food, sex, and other primary rewards. Our brains perceive ambiguity as a threat, and they try to protect us by diminishing our ability to focus on anything other than creating certainty.”

Click here to keep reading and to learn more about the coping strategies she recommends (don’t resist, invest in yourself, find healthy comfort items, don’t believe everything you think, pay attention to your internal experience, and resist looking to someone else to save you).

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Sending Your Teen to College During a Pandemic

In this video, Center for Connection Founder and Executive Director, Dr. Tina Payne Bryson (co-author of NY Times bestselling books, The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline) talks about what parents can do to manage the feelings that come up when sending your kid to college in a pandemic.

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Want more tips and strategies? Check back often as we’ll update this page throughout the month.

Need additional support?

Visit our Getting Started page to schedule a virtual parenting consultation from one of our team members or learn about our other services (Occupational Therapy, Assessment, Educational Therapy, Psychotherapy, Play Therapy, Speech and Language Therapy, and more—tele-health services available for most services).

Talking to Kids (and Informing Ourselves) About Race, Racism, Prejudice, & the Protests

Many in our community are just waking up to the reality of the systemic racism that prevails in our nation. Others have been painfully aware of its existence throughout their lives. As we all seek to more fully understand these realities and find meaningful ways to respond and enact change, one of the best steps we can take is to continue to educate ourselves. And we want to find ways to talk to our children as well. You’ll find below a few starting places we can all use to more fully inform ourselves and talk to our kids about race and racism.

We know these conversations with our children won’t always be easy. But it’s so important. For some of us, this won't be our first experience of talking with our kids about prejudice. For others, it might be the first time we’re addressing the uncomfortable topics of race and privilege. In both cases, the CFC wants to support you in helping your kids understand how to recognize and combat various forms of racism, know what to do when they see it, talk about the images and headlines they might be seeing on the news and social media, and foster self-love and promote a healthy cultural identity. 

NY Times article on books to help parents explain racism and the current protests.

Wall Street Journal article on how to talk with children about the protests with advice from pediatricians, educators and other experts.

Kid-friendly movies to help teach kids about racism.

Anti-racism library resources by LeanIn.org.

In Support of Our Community

The Center for Connection stands in solidarity with the people of color in our communities and emphatically declares that Black Lives Matter. All of us at the CFC have been deeply affected by the deaths of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Arbery, and each of us is pained by the fact that this systemic pattern of violence against black individuals continues, seemingly unabated. Many of us are reflecting on old wounds from our own experiences with racial trauma. Others of us are questioning our understanding of the issues and our potential to enact change, while taking in information from various sources so we can better understand, and better show up as allies. ⠀
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Whether you feel grief, guilt, anger, shame, helplessness, anxiety, or fear, know that we are here for you. We are feeling this with you. Our team is ready to engage in difficult conversations with you and to sift through memory and meaning as we process this incredible injustice together. We're ready to listen and to do our part to show up, educate, advocate, empower, and bolster community resiliency. ⠀
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At the CFC, we prioritize human connection, which begins with the principle of equality and justice for all people. We cannot truly connect unless we truly see one another. ⠀
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Illustration/design by Quentin Monge (Instagram: @mongequentin).

Learn About the Online Brain Talk Curriculum

Encourage Stronger Executive Functioning & Emotional-Regulation Skills from the Comfort of Your Home

Now, more than ever, students need knowledge, tools and activities to manage the dysregulation that has come along with sudden schedule and social changes. In light of the Safer at Home order, you might be finding yourself at a loss for how to manage big feelings of worry, or struggling to help your children make sense of their emotions and reactions. To help, we are excited to partner with The Brain Talk Curriculum to give parents, teachers and therapists a wonderful resource to teach how the downstairs brain and upstairs brain communicate for stronger executive functioning* and emotional-regulation skills**.

In an effort to support our community, Brain Talk is offering a 50% discount now through April 3rd, 2020!

Use code: EF@HOME at checkout: https://www.braintalktherapy.com/subscribe.

WHAT IS THE BRAIN TALK CURRICULUM?

Brain Talk is an eight-unit curriculum that personifies key parts of the brain into relatable characters and explains how these parts of the brain communicate in order to mindfully respond instead of impulsively react. Explore videos and leveled activities to help students understand the conversation between their downstairs and upstairs brains when they feel impulses.

• Myg, or the amygdala, is the part of the brain that triggers avoid impulses. If the brain senses some kind of threat, even if it comes from being told, “No more ice cream!” it gives you a Myg Moment to fight, flee, or freeze.

• Buster, or the basal pleasure-and-reward circuit, is the part of the brain that triggers seek impulses. If the brain senses an opportunity, even if the perceived opportunity breaks the rules, it gives you a Buster Bam to grab-and-gulp the immediate reward.

• Ms. Hipp, or the hippocampus, is the brain’s personal memory librarian. It keeps track of past experiences to help determine how we should act in the future.

• The Professor, or the prefrontal cortex, is the brain’s goal-setter and plan-maker. It helps us pause impulses, come up with options for how to respond, and choose the best option in order to reach our goals.

Brain Talk pairs perfectly with mindfulness activities and social-emotional learning programs. It is a great resource for virtual or home-based learning, especially since it doesn’t require any prior brain background knowledge.

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 *Executive functioning is the use of critical thinking skills in the upstairs brain to engage in goal oriented, self-regulated behavior.

**Emotional-regulation involves awareness of your emotional state and the ability to respond mindfully even in the midst of big feelings.

Using a Brain-Based Approach to Maintaining Balance While Social Distancing

Blog article written by Melanie Dosen, LCSW

In the midst of the COVID-19 crisis, there has been an amazing outpouring of information, resources, and ideas on how we can safely physically distance ourselves and our kids at home while still attending to our academic, work, and daily needs.  Figuring out what to prioritize and when during the day can be an overwhelming task for us all! One way to maintain a healthy balance is to use the Healthy Mind Platter for Optimal Brain Matter as a guide in creating your and your child’s daily plan. 

The Healthy Mind Platter, created by Dr. Dan Sigel and David Rock, looks at 7 essential daily mental activities that promote healthy mental and emotional balance.  Here are the 7 essentially daily activities, along with some ideas on how you can integrate them into your social distancing daily life: 

Focus Time:

Helps us make deep connections in our brains.

• Remote education and daily school assignments certainly provide opportunity for focus time in your day!  Can you also incorporate engaging projects that center around your child’s interests, such as researching recipes for a baking project, or creating their own science experience or Rube Goldberg invention?  

• Creating a daily schedule can help ensure that everyone is getting the balance that they need. Websites such as Big Life Journal have helpful templates for making daily schedules and to-do lists.  But if our interest and focus aren’t sticking to our schedule, this is the perfect time to demonstrate flexibility and adaptiveness! Allow your kids to keep creating and discovering if they are immersed in something, even if the schedule suggests that you need to move on.   

Play Time:

Enjoying novel experiences enables us to make new connections in the brain.

• We all need time to be creative and playful in our day!  Science has shown that play helps children build new connections in their brains, express their ideas, and process big emotions.  Integrate play time into your day together by going on scavenger hunts at home or in the neighborhood, or setting up a family art mural space to create a cityscape on butcher paper or a white board.  Free play time with toys is always a great idea, too!  

• Need ideas on what to do during play time?  Make a fortune teller with various games and activities listed inside: How to Make Paper Fortune Tellers : 10 Steps (with Pictures)

Connecting Time:

We activate the brain’s relational circuitry when we connect with other people and take time to appreciate our connection to the natural world. 

• During this time of world-wide social distancing, finding creative and innovative ways to connect with our loved ones, friends, and peers is crucial to maintaining our well-being.  FaceTime or video chats with friends are a great way to check in, and writing letters or making cards for family members can also help us feel connected. 

• You can also connect to our natural world while at home by streaming live animal cams, from the Monterey Bay Aquarium to Pandas in Sichuan, China. 

Physical Time:

When we move our bodies, we strengthen our brains.

• Let’s make sure to get those movement breaks in!  Set up daily “PE” time in your schedule--walks, hikes, or bike rides are still allowed, as long as we’re keeping a safe distance from each other.  Dance parties, workout videos, or family yoga sessions are great indoor options.  

• Some fitness apps, such as Down Dog, are offering free subscriptions to teachers and students into the summer! 

Down Time:

When we are non-focused and let our minds wander and relax, we help the brain recharge.

• This is the time to give ourselves permission to let go.  It’s so restorative for our brains to turn off the productivity switch and allow ourselves an opportunity to be open and relax.  Not only are we letting our brains recharge when we give ourselves down time, but we’re also allowing our own creativity, ingenuity, and imaginations freely flow.  Provide your child and yourself time to sit and be.  

• This may be a good time to pick up a book or write stories in a journal; you can also sit quietly and draw, paint, and color together.  Find printouts of Mandalas or coloring pages to illustrate during this time of rest and recharge. 

Time In:

When we quietly reflect internally, we help to better integrate the brain.

• Maintaining our mental health and well-being is important now more than ever.  Prioritizing reflection and mindfulness time, as well as time when we can express our fears, doubts, disappointments, and frustrations, will better equip us to handle the challenges that we’re facing.  

• Set time aside for writing in a gratitude journal; practice mindfulness together by doing breathing practices or going on a Rainbow walk as a family.  

• If you or your child is feeling overwhelmed during this time, many therapy practices are offering on-line telehealth services or parenting groups to provide support and help.  Click here to see what on-line services The Center for Connection is offering now.   

Sleep Time:

When we give the brain the rest it needs, we consolidate learning and recover from the experiences of the day.

• A consistent sleep schedule will not only help our bodies stay healthy, but also help solidify all of the amazing efforts we put into integrating balance for our brains during the day.  As best you can, maintain a sleep schedule for yourself and your child--the more routines and predictability we can integrate into our day, the easier it will be to adjust to this “new normal” of social distancing.  

• To help get to sleep at night, practice calming meditation before bed.  Bedtime can also be a wonderful opportunity to connect, reflect on the day, and practice gratitude together.

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Maintaining balance for ourselves and our children during a global health crisis is no easy task.  The Healthy Mind Platter is not about striking a perfectly balanced schedule for yourself and your children, but rather a way to create space for you to get all that you need. Be sure to check back in for more 7 essential mental activity ideas.  Be safe, and be well! 

[Repost from The Washington Post]: For queer families, back-to-school time is especially fraught

The following article is from The Washington Post and includes quotes from Center for Connection clinician, Robyn Park.

Article written by David Minerva Clover

Published on August 29

We all know how stressful back-to-school season can be. In addition to acquiring supplies, dealing with school clothing drama, and meeting teachers, there’s the task of helping nervous or reluctant kids manage their feelings about a new school year and all the changes ahead.

But members of LGBTQ+ families, whether they are children or adults, face particular challenges when entering the educational system. That means back-to-school time is especially loaded and especially stressful.

As a visibly queer and transgender parent myself, when we began to look into schooling for our 4-year-old, I found myself overcome with anxiety. Parents in same-sex partnerships often have to deal with outdated forms and administrations that assume all children have a mother and a father. Transgender children may be concerned about bathroom access and whether they’ll get to use their correct name and pronouns in the classroom. And LGBTQ+ families are often concerned about bullying and the fact that even if the rules are on your side, other parents may still be against your family.

I’ve found that interacting with school administrators has included a lot of emails to explain my family’s names, pronouns and relationships, and I’ve had to staple extra sheets to documents when our information doesn’t fit on the provided forms, making me feel like an outsider before the year even begins.

My family is not alone.

After moving from Oakland, Calif., to Pittsburgh, Andrea Cipriani, a lesbian mother, had to cross out the word “father” and write in “mother” on her son’s kindergarten enrollment paperwork. The paperwork issues make her “question how much the district accepts same-sex parents and makes me wonder what issues will come up in the future,” she said. And while she doesn’t want to assume the school won’t be welcoming, she is worried about that possibility.

Robyn Park, a marriage and family therapist who specializes in adoption issues and LGBTQ+ families at the Center for Connection in Pasadena, Calif., says the added stressors weigh on families. They “experience greater vigilance” in trying to make sure their children are safe, she said. “LGBTQ+ parents ... oftentimes have to work harder than other parents to ensure safe and effective learning environments for their children."

So what’s a parent to do? “We were just very mindful from the beginning,” said Amber Leventry, a queer and non-binary writer and advocate and staff writer for the website Scary Mommy. Leventry, who uses they/them pronouns and has three children, one of whom is transgender, emphasized the importance of surrounding their family with potential allies within school and daycare systems. Entering the schools as a volunteer, and an advocate for all kids, has helped, Leventry said. “I don’t want my family to be used as the example; it’s just too much emotional labor. But since you’re not doing it, let me come in as an advocate."

Leventry believes that doing this work has helped protect their kids from carrying the anxiety themselves. They also acknowledged that not every LGBTQ+ parent is up for that level of advocacy: “I understand that I’m good at it, I have the energy for it."

Park, the family therapist, said the key to helping children calm big emotions is to talk about it or, as she says, “name it to tame it... By helping children name different emotions ... you are able to help tame them.” She also added that parents should “remember safety is nonnegotiable. You have every right to speak up and to be heard."

Of course, parents aren’t the only ones responsible for making the school year a success for kids and families. Schools, administrators, and the teachers themselves, also have a lot of work to do. As more and more LGBTQ+ families enter the school system, it’s in everyone’s best interests for those schools to be prepared. “My whole thing is you might be accepting, but how inclusive are you? Throw a rainbow or trans flag in the pencil cup,” Leventry says. “I remember the first time I saw that upside-down pink triangle in my school. Kids are looking for that, and if they don’t see it, they think something is wrong with them.”

Pam Strong, an equity and inclusive education resource teacher with the Peel District School Board in Mississauga, Ontario, thinks that schools are often too gendered and heteronormative and that those norms, among others such as whiteness, are often “reinforced in our curriculum, the books we read, and the conversations that we have or don’t have.” She believes it is important for schools not to wait until they have a student or a family identify as LGBTQ+ before they prepare for them.

Such preparation requires teachers to make an ongoing commitment to learning and unlearning what they think they know about identity.

Strong suggests having educators walk through the school assuming a particular identity to see what problems they encounter. Her district also uses safe space stickers, and she advocates, much like Leventry, for putting up rainbow flags or other symbols that show kids they are welcome. “Comprehensive safe school policies are incredibly important and can help address bullying and harassment issues in school,” she says.

With steps like these, hopefully families like mine will feel more welcome and safe as they begin the school year.

David Minerva Clover is a queer and trans writer, covering everything from parenting to dinosaurs. He lives in Detroit with his partner, his child and an embarrassing amount of animals.

25 Back-to-School Tips from Our Team to Make Your Transition Back-to-School Easier

The following introduction was previously published in The Quarterly magazine’s Fall 2019 edition:

“As much as I loved summer as a kid—and I loved summer—I also got excited about going back to school each fall. I couldn’t wait to get the back-to-school clothes, see my friends again, have a routine, learn new things, and I really got into the restocked school supplies. My sister, on the other hand, never liked going back to school. She rebelled against the schedule, homework, and not getting to wear a swimsuit all day. And for our mom, there were summers she was counting days until school started, as well as summers where she grieved that her long, open-ended days with her girls were over until June.

Each year, kids and parents have a whole host of reactions to summer ending and school starting, but regardless, it’s definitely a transition that can be taxing for all. It can be a challenge, wondering who the new teacher and classmates will be and experiencing the change of schedule. It’s typical for many kids and teens to experience anticipatory worries that feel exhausting or especially difficult as they shift from summer to school. Fortunately, there are all kinds of steps we can take to help them prepare for and navigate this time of year successfully.

Several year ago, I founded The Center for Connection (CFC), an interdisciplinary clinical practice in Pasadena. We’ve collected a whole team of experts who are good at helping children and families not just to survive, but thrive in the various areas of their lives—including the transition back to school. I asked some of our experts to suggest strategies and tools for helping out kids succeed as they transition back to the classroom.”

Back-to-School Tips from our team

1. Courtesy of Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, Center for Connection Founder & Executive Director): Make school a fun place to go.

Give your child some time to make positive associations between fun and school. Go 10-15 minutes early to school and do fun things with them in order to help them make these associations. Play on the swings, play a game of Uno or Eye Spy, or some other silly game.

2. Courtesy of Tami Millard, Center for Connection Learning Specialist: Sleep.

Sleep is essential for our child’s ability to weather stress in positive ways and be resilient. The frontal lobe, which helps us regulate our emotions and bodies, make good decisions, be flexible, problem-solve, and more can’t function optimally without good sleep. “Establishing the sleeping/waking routine a few weeks before school is helpful to make the schedule transition minimal.”

3. Courtesy of Christine Triano, Center for Connection Psychotherapist and Director of Mental Health: Create a peaceful morning routine.

Sit down with your kid and create a checklist of what needs to happen to get out in the morning and make a plan to minimize stress. So, things like, pack your backpack and put it by the door at night, shoes and jacket by the front door, fill your water bottle and put it in the fridge, clean out the lunchbox after school and put in snacks for the next day. Based on age, I like shifting the responsibility to the child.

4. Courtesy of Hanna Bogen Novak, Center for Connection Speech and Language Pathologist: Take a seat.

Try using visualization to build strong executive functioning, which is critical to all learning: Encourage your child to make a mind movie of their return to school by using the tool: Take a S.E.A.T. and picture It.

a. Space: Where will you be on your first day back? A new classroom with a new teacher? In a new school? Help your child think about what it looks like to navigate their new learning space.

b. Emotion: How will you feel on your first day? Nervous? Excited? Shy? All of your child's feelings are valid, and sometimes they might be feeling lots of emotions at once. Remind your child that feelings can change minute-to-minute, and day to day, and that's OK.

c. Actions: What will you do on your first day back? Help your child remember that oftentimes the first day of school is all about becoming familiar with new routines, and that it's always OK to ask for help.

d. Time: When do you go back to school and how long will you be there? For children who struggle with certain subjects at school, help them remember that less-preferred activities don't last forever.

You can encourage taking a mindful moment to breathe as you initially take a S.E.A.T. (ideally while actually pausing and sitting), exploring the child's emotions.

5. Courtesy of Dr. Joy Malik-Hasbrook, Clinical Psychologist and Director of Psychoeducational Assessment: Involve the child.

Include the child in finding the solution, respecting her understanding of herself, depending on her age. We can ask the child “What will help you feel brave for this new school year?” and “What do you need?”

6. Courtesy of Tami Millard, Center for Connection Learning Specialist: Build Balance.

Create habits that will serve your children well through each transition ahead, year after year. “Starting in elementary school, through college, invite them to contribute to a family conversation about creating a schedule for a well-balanced life that includes school and activity management, along with physical activity, family time, sleep, down time, and other valued activities.

7. Courtesy of Janel Umfress, Center for Connection Educational Therapist and Learning Specialist): Make playdates.

Setting up times to play and interact with peers who will be in their class helps with those first day connections and desires to get to school. Janel Umfress

8. Courtesy of Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, Center for Connection Founder & Executive Director): Bravery symbol.

Give them a temporary tattoo and when you put it on tell them “this is your bravery tattoo.” A simple bracelet works as well. Find the language that works best for them—you might use the words “peace” or “calm” or “courage.”

9. Courtesy of Christine Triano, LCSW, Center for Connection Psychotherapist and Director of Mental Health: See the week.

As for overall time management and communication, use a kitchen whiteboard with a weekly calendar. Fill it in together on Sunday nights, use different color markers for different kids. List appointments, afterschool activities, big due dates, or important family events. Kids like to know what to expect and it builds a sense of agency over their time to start to plan their own calendar. It’s important for them to add things that matter to them too!

10. Courtesy of Hanna Bogen Novak, Center for Connection Speech and Language Pathologist: Teach wonder questions.

So much of the dysregulation about returning to school stems from the nebulous worry about re-integrating into the social dynamic of the classroom” “Use ‘wonder questions’ to show peers you're wondering about them: ‘I wonder what you brought for lunch today.’ Hopefully they’ll get asked a question in return and have a sense that people wonder and care them in return.

11. Courtesy of Dr. Joy Malik-Hasbrook, Clinical Psychologist and Director of Psychoeducational Assessment: Play to practice.

In order to process and create a feeling of familiarity, try different avenues of play--imaginative (play school together), create art about school, write a story about it.

12. Courtesy of Tami Millard, Center for Connection Learning Specialist: Talk about it.

Older kids have social concerns too and if they haven't seen their friends over the summer, they can be angsty about what the social scene will look like moving forward.” Ask them how they’re feeling about this and how they plan to navigate it.

13. Courtesy of Janel Umfress, Center for Connection Educational Therapist and Learning Specialist): Use a conversation starter.

Find books about going back to school and read with your child. Parents can show photos of themselves at the age of their children and reminiscing about their experiences with honest emotions.

14. Courtesy of Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, Center for Connection Founder & Executive Director): Fake it till you make it.

When you move your body into different positions, you activate emotions, thoughts, and feelings associated with that posture. Add playfulness while doing this! Ask them to show you what their bodies look like when they feel brave — have them actually strike a physical pose. Standing brave helps us feel brave or take 2-3 minutes to assume a floppy noodle posture, or an octopus, or any other posture that is super floppy and relaxed. Hold it for a couple of minutes.

15. Courtesy of Dr. Joy Malik-Hasbrook, Clinical Psychologist and Director of Psychoeducational Assessment: Start with yourself.

Children are skilled at picking up on our feelings about our child going back to school, so it’s important that we work through and get clear on our own worries or concerns or on triggers from our own school experiences that may be leaking out. Modeling calm confidence, inner compassion, and respect can show our kids that we trust they will do well.

16. Courtesy of Janel Umfress, Center for Connection Educational Therapist and Learning Specialist): Emphasize curiosity as a social skill.

It can be really helpful to give our children tools that assist them in navigating their relationships. Worries are often related to open-ended times, such as recess and lunch, rather than what is happening in the classroom. By emphasizing curiosity as a social skill, we're teaching children about how to enter into a group, and most importantly, how to ask questions. The question can be about permission to enter into play or sit with a group during lunch ("May I?"), but more importantly, we want to teach children to be curious about others by initiating a conversation and keeping the topic and conversation going. When children return from their first day of school having played with a new or old friend, or connecting with someone at lunch, their experience tends to be reported as so much more positive.

17. Courtesy of Christine Triano, LCSW, Center for Connection Psychotherapist and Director of Mental Health: Make mornings fun.

Make a morning playlist for the house or car. Choose songs that boost energy, are fun to sing or dance to or create a less stressed morning.

18. Courtesy of Hanna Bogen Novak, Center for Connection Speech and Language Pathologist: Gratitude.

Calling upon recent research, focusing on and feeling grateful for the more preferred aspects of school can even change the chemistry of the brain in the moment, helping your child feel more regulated.

19. Courtesy of Olivia Martinez-Hauge, Center for Connection Mental Health Therapist:

Our kids are not the only ones who deserve compassion as we venture into a new school year. Back to school is a time of transition for everyone - kids and parents alike. Take a moment and breathe. It really is going to be okay.

Now that you feel better, let's talk homework. Does homework time end in tears? Yours or your child’s? Here are some tips to flip the script on homework time.

1. Teamwork. Align with your child and make them feel that you are tackling homework together. Working with your child during homework time is insurance for a “read to learn” brain. A child who is regulated is scientifically more capable of reviewing and practicing the subject at hand, as well as soaking up your wisdom.

2. Plan. Take a week and experiment with different times to start homework. Then ask your child what time felt best for them and develop a plan together to incorporate homework into the daily schedule.

3. Place. Experiment with different places to do homework in order to optimize your child’s attention and focus. Some kids need music in the background, while others need it quiet. Allow your child to move, stand, or lay on the floor on their stomachs to keep their brains awake and regulated.

Rest assured, you will not be tested on this information.

20. Courtesy of Janel Umfress, Center for Connection Educational Therapist and Learning Specialist): Partner with the Teacher.

If the child has intense worries and fears, identified learning challenges, or if there are parental concerns, it’s important to share the information with the child's teacher so he/she understands how best to support the child from the start.

21. Courtesy of Tami Millard, Center for Connection Learning Specialist: For older kids, Tami Millard:

In thinking about our older kids (middle/high school), it’s important to create habits that will serve them well through each transition ahead, year after year. Invite them to contribute to a family conversation about creating a schedule for a well-balanced life that includes school and activity management, along with physical activity, family time, sufficient sleep, and down time (also known as "fallow time", a period in which you do nothing. To learn about the important of having fallow time, check out this article: You Are Doing Something Important When You Aren't Doing Anything-NY Times).

22. Courtesy of Allie Bowne-Schreiner, Center for Connection Mental Health Therapist: Build in some extra "special time" to connect with each child after the day.

Even 10 minutes of uninterrupted, tech-free, focused time where you follow their lead and connect will do wonders to help them feel seen and important. The after school/evenings can get hectic, but pushing pause to prioritize this focused, quality time puts lots of deposits in our children's emotional buckets.

23. Courtesy of Olivia Martinez-Hauge, Center for Connection Mental Health Therapist: “How was your day?”

I’ve asked my son this question many times. The response I receive is routinely dissatisfying - “good.”

I want more, but how do I help my son open up to me? Here are some tips that have worked for me.

1) Love them first. Sometimes our kids have difficulty downshifting from school to home so this is disarming, less demanding, and makes a soothing connection with them. Starting with “hey I missed you today,” or “I am glad you are home,” can help your child regulate during the transition home.

2) Model for them. Give them a brief run-down of your day. Use new descriptive words and don’t leave out the negative ones. It is helpful for our kids to know emotions – positive and negative and everything in between – are normal.

3) Guide them. Use focused questions instead of open-ended questions. “What was the best part of your day? “What was the hardest part of your day?” “Who did you play with today?” Talking with your child about their day might be best during bath-time, dinner time, or even bed time. Or more simply, whenever the moment presents itself.

4) Involve everyone. Asking everyone in the family about their day promotes connection and further models communicative engagement. It might even be fun to speculate with your child what the family dog did today as a conversation starter.

Note: If your child’s behavior is carefully monitored at school steer away from asking your child if he/she had a good or bad day. Chances are your child has some shame surrounding their behaviors and focusing on positive questions can encourage them to share with you what is happening at school.

24. Courtesy of Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, Center for Connection Founder & Executive Director): Name it to tame it.

Create a book with your child by taking photos of your child’s school — classroom, playground, drop-off spot, cafeteria. Print photos out and while assembling them into book form, do the following three things:

1) Facts: Ask your child what she/he does during the day, be specific,

2) Feelings: What is she/he actually feeling during their school day, again be specific; use their words, and

3) Tools/Strategy: Help them come up with ways to manage these feelings. It might be a favorite song that your child could hum or sing to herself when she’s feeling scared. Or, it could be a hug that they could give themselves. Be creative, whatever will help them manage these feelings.

4) And, lastly, say “if you need help, your teacher will help take care of you.”

25. Courtesy of Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, Center for Connection Founder & Executive Director): Ask for help.

It’s important to note that, for any age, some kids might need some additional support from a professional. Observe the timing and intensity of your child’s anxiety or reactivity, and be curious about why and what is leading to these feelings. It may be that the demands of the environment are outside of your child’s capacity or that something else is causing a stress response. If what your child is experiencing seems outside of the typical developmental response seek professional help sooner rather than later so that whatever is causing the distress can be looked at more closely.

Center for Connection Launches Invited Speaker Series

We are pleased to invite you to join us for a series of professional workshops, featuring expert speakers on a range of topics we feel are unique, highly relevant, and intrinsic to the work of mental health practitioners and related disciplines who share our desire to stay current and integrate interdisciplinary practice with the latest research in neuroscience. You'll also have the opportunity to learn more about what we do and meet many of the wonderful clinicians on our Team during a lunch time Meet and Greet with the Center for Connection. Light refreshments and coffee will be provided throughout the training experience, but lunch will be on your own, so please plan accordingly. Several local eateries are close by to grab a quick bite, or you may decide to bring lunch with you to make the most of the mid-day networking event. 

Learn About Our Upcoming Program

The Many Faces of Grief: A Clinician's Toolbox to Facilitate Emotional Regulation Through the Grief Experience (6.0 CE Workshop)

Friday, May 10, 2019, 9:00am – 4:30pm

Losing a loved one is perhaps one of the greatest pains we experience in life. Long-term illness, accident, health crisis, addictive substance or suicide will influence the grieving process and may produce unique psychological consequences. For clinicians who work with children and adults grieving different types of loss, it is imperative to understand the physical, psychological and behavioral repercussions that often occur and implications for treatment. In this highly experiential 6.0 CE workshop, you'll develop a toolbox of clinical skills to help clients through mourning losses and facilitate growth after grief.

Learning Objectives: After the workshop participants will be able to:

1. Identify different forms of grief: traumatic/complicated, disenfranchised, anticipatory, delayed, cumulative and compounded grief.

2. Understand DSM differential diagnoses between grief, depression, traumatic grief, prolonged grief and complicated bereavement.

3. Explain how the grief experience differs for children, teens and adults and for survivors of sudden versus prolonged death.

4. Understand the major theories and tasks utilized in grief therapy.

5. Develop awareness of evidence-based treatments used with different forms of grief.

6. Describe major constructs within Post Traumatic Growth in grief therapy.

Contact us for more information if you have questions about registration, or if you wish to inquire about sharing your own area of expertise and joining our series as a future invited speaker.

Hear Annalise Kordell & Other Experts at the 2019 Kidskintha Parenting Consciousness Conference

Save the Date: February 15 - 18, 2019

Register now and get 48-hours of FREE access to over 28 interviews with experts from the fields of neurology, psychology, mental health coaching, teaching, and educational entrepreneurship (including the Center for Connection’s very own Clinical Director, Annalise Kordell, who will speak on “How to Build Coping Mechanisms for Unprocessed and Frightening Big Feelings through a Child’s Changing Years”). Click here to watch a quick excerpt.

Watch these Trailers to Learn More

Click the button above to register now for FREE. You will receive an email at the start of the conference, and will have 48 hours to watch the various keynote addresses. Topic focuses include:

1. Practicing child-centered, connection-based parenting

2. Beating Parenting Overwhelm

3. Raising children with self-awareness

4. Making sense of their rapidly changing bodies and minds

5. Raising Future-Ready kids

6. Raising strong and resilient children

7. Setting children up for academic success.